it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
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He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
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I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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