Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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