yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
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she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM