I faked an abortion last night.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED