ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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