so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem