i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
This baby is an asshole
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
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im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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