My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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