I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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