dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
