frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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