That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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