Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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