So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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