Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
