I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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