The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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