having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Couch. On fire.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
