i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have tasted many bathrooms
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
