I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
