I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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