if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
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We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
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I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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