Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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