Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You pole danced in your parka.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
