Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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