when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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