I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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