I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
