I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
