when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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