I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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