This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
