OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
