The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
