I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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