I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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