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Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
