he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you will always have a special place in my vag
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
