I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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