well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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