yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
