Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
