wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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