Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
