All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
