I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
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will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head