cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.