Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
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fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
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You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure