my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
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Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
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I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking