You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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