Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
