Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
