Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
