explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just blew my weed a kiss
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
