i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
