I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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