I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
