I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
