U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Randomize
