why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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