He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
