I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
