think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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