I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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