my phone needs a breathalizer
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
