I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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