1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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